Thursday, October 06, 2005

I want love.

Today was another uneventful day. I feel like I try so hard and get nothing back. Sometimes he can be very sweet but most of the time he's a complete ass hole. Today he said I look pretty wow a compliment but he kept wanting me to cook like every two hours I cook one full meal per day. Today he wanted breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. I simply can't do all that and keep up with our two year old too. Our son was home sick today again. He got mad at me and said "You can't cook worth a shit" it's better if you don't cook and ordered pizza but still expected dinner and I ended up cooking tonight after 8pm. Sometimes I hate him so much. I love him but he makes me so mad and he makes me hate myself. I don't know what to do. I hold on for the good days but the are few and far between.

Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up but then what's the purpose of my life? I don't ever want to be in another relationship again. I don 't want anymore children and I don't have it in me to go back to school. I don't want to raise our son alone and I'd die of jealousy if another woman raised my son, plus the fact that no one will treat him or love him like his own mother and I don't care how good of a person you are there will be times when a step mom says and thinks why am I putting up with this he ain't even mine?! And even if she doesn't say it to the child the child can feel it, children know more than us, they sense things.

So I stay in this relationship for our child even when everyday all I hear from him is: "I don't like you. I hate you. You're so fat. Damn you're so fat. You can't cook. I don't want that crap. (talking about food I've cooked) You're so stupid. Damn you're so dumb. I can't believe how stupid you are. You're so nasty and lazy. You can't do nothing right. Damn I can't stand you." Put down after put down it never stops and the worst part is I'm believing it now. I mean I'm really to the point where I think damn I'm so sorry and pathetic how could anyone ever love, care or even simply like me. I don't even like myself, I'm a terribly screwed up person, why would anyone ever like me or want me.

So I'm trying to work on this. My self esteem and how I see myself. Yesterday I went cut, dyed and styled my hair, I got my nails done and I feel better. I feel like I look good. Next week I'm going to buy some new clothes and get my feet done. I'm goin to get a facial and maybe even start to excersise a little. Maybe I'll get to the point where I don't feel like I need him. My hugest delema is our son, he loves his dad so much, I mean like wow, he cries when he's out of town for a day on business. He's crazy about him. He's said before that if he's can't get custody he wouldn't want him at all, what's the point of being a part time dad if he can't have the influence he wants on him. I think that's a sorry excuse but maybe he's right, although I could never give him my son and then disappear I'd have to be involved in his life.

I guess I'll just wait and see what time tells me to do. How much I can put up with this. Eventually something has to give.


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