Friday, October 21, 2005

I guess that's it.

Okay, so last week I lost my job due to cut backs at work. This is a big blow since my income is what we holds us up. His job only pays about 1/4 of what I made so this is really huge. Well, at first he said don't worry he'll pick up the slack and he wanted me to stay home and take care of our son. He said he'd do whatever it takes to make up the difference, even if it meant working over time or having to get a second job. I've been very depressed and it weird because I'm so use to always doing something for work but now I have nothing to do. All that stress is gone, but now I have a stress of how will the bills be paid?

So, he got assigned a big project that will keep him away for up to a month. He left this morning and when he arrived to where he was headed he called and told me "We're over." I'm shocked what do you mean I said. He said I told you last night I need to find someone else, someone more compatable, someone more like me that understands me. I though he was just saying stuff trying to be mean but that's it? This is how it ends? I cried and fell apart for about 5 minutes. I pulled myself together and said okay, I don't believe he'll leave me, I know deep down he loves me and this is just a test of my comittment and everything to to him.

Now, I'm like I don't know? I'll be okay and even if I have to get some lame job to pay the bills I know I can. I'm gona keep trying to be an independent contractor but if I can't keep jobs coming in then a job will be the solution. As for the rest of the bills, it's up to him to get them paid I'm just going to keep our home going for our son. I think this independence will be good for me. I need to let go but I'm so afraid he'll find someone else in the mean time and then that will really be the end of us. I'm committed to him so that's simply not a possibility for me and I have NO desire to see other men, I'm so over that whole dating thing, I hated it when I was into it. It's going to be hard with no family and without him. I'm gona miss him alot but somehow I just don't feel it's really over. I love him, regardless of all his flaws he IS the love of my life even if he never loves me back I love him like no other in this world. I'm his forever, he's got me!

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