Monday, October 03, 2005

Feeling Lonely

This is my first post, don't really know what to expect, really just posting my thoughts. I'm feeling very lonely and I don't have any friends. I'm an only child and my parents live in Arizona, I'm in Georgia.

I met my hmmm I guess he's my boyfriend but we've been together for 4 years now and we have a 2 yr old son, so I feel married. I wear a weeding band and everyone thinks we're married, he calls me his wife and I call him my husband but legally we're not married. I would love to marry him but he doesn't want to get married, he says never again. I say maybe one day he'll change his mind and marry me.

I'm in my late 20's and he's in his mid 30's. I've never been married and he's been married twice. He says both times for the wrong reasons. He has a teenage daughter with an ex high school girlfriend that is a mess! He says he can't do anything anymore because she's too old and wont listen to him and if her mom doesn't inforce any rules it's just pointless. I agree.

I love him very much but sometimes things seem so difficult and at other times I'm so happy I'm scared. Why? Why am I affraid of being happy? When everything is going right and perfect and I feel so amazingly happy I get scared that I'm going to die, that something horrible is going to happen to me and I wont make it back home alive. Why? I want to be happy so why do I think like this? And then when I feel miserable and lonely and just so depressed I want to die, I want to go to a better place and just leave this earth. Now, I don't want to kill myself, I'm not that far gone, it's just sometimes I get so tired of trying and I keep wondering what for? What is all this for? Life, I don't understand it.


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