Friday, October 21, 2005

I guess that's it.

Okay, so last week I lost my job due to cut backs at work. This is a big blow since my income is what we holds us up. His job only pays about 1/4 of what I made so this is really huge. Well, at first he said don't worry he'll pick up the slack and he wanted me to stay home and take care of our son. He said he'd do whatever it takes to make up the difference, even if it meant working over time or having to get a second job. I've been very depressed and it weird because I'm so use to always doing something for work but now I have nothing to do. All that stress is gone, but now I have a stress of how will the bills be paid?

So, he got assigned a big project that will keep him away for up to a month. He left this morning and when he arrived to where he was headed he called and told me "We're over." I'm shocked what do you mean I said. He said I told you last night I need to find someone else, someone more compatable, someone more like me that understands me. I though he was just saying stuff trying to be mean but that's it? This is how it ends? I cried and fell apart for about 5 minutes. I pulled myself together and said okay, I don't believe he'll leave me, I know deep down he loves me and this is just a test of my comittment and everything to to him.

Now, I'm like I don't know? I'll be okay and even if I have to get some lame job to pay the bills I know I can. I'm gona keep trying to be an independent contractor but if I can't keep jobs coming in then a job will be the solution. As for the rest of the bills, it's up to him to get them paid I'm just going to keep our home going for our son. I think this independence will be good for me. I need to let go but I'm so afraid he'll find someone else in the mean time and then that will really be the end of us. I'm committed to him so that's simply not a possibility for me and I have NO desire to see other men, I'm so over that whole dating thing, I hated it when I was into it. It's going to be hard with no family and without him. I'm gona miss him alot but somehow I just don't feel it's really over. I love him, regardless of all his flaws he IS the love of my life even if he never loves me back I love him like no other in this world. I'm his forever, he's got me!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I want love.

Today was another uneventful day. I feel like I try so hard and get nothing back. Sometimes he can be very sweet but most of the time he's a complete ass hole. Today he said I look pretty wow a compliment but he kept wanting me to cook like every two hours I cook one full meal per day. Today he wanted breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. I simply can't do all that and keep up with our two year old too. Our son was home sick today again. He got mad at me and said "You can't cook worth a shit" it's better if you don't cook and ordered pizza but still expected dinner and I ended up cooking tonight after 8pm. Sometimes I hate him so much. I love him but he makes me so mad and he makes me hate myself. I don't know what to do. I hold on for the good days but the are few and far between.

Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up but then what's the purpose of my life? I don't ever want to be in another relationship again. I don 't want anymore children and I don't have it in me to go back to school. I don't want to raise our son alone and I'd die of jealousy if another woman raised my son, plus the fact that no one will treat him or love him like his own mother and I don't care how good of a person you are there will be times when a step mom says and thinks why am I putting up with this he ain't even mine?! And even if she doesn't say it to the child the child can feel it, children know more than us, they sense things.

So I stay in this relationship for our child even when everyday all I hear from him is: "I don't like you. I hate you. You're so fat. Damn you're so fat. You can't cook. I don't want that crap. (talking about food I've cooked) You're so stupid. Damn you're so dumb. I can't believe how stupid you are. You're so nasty and lazy. You can't do nothing right. Damn I can't stand you." Put down after put down it never stops and the worst part is I'm believing it now. I mean I'm really to the point where I think damn I'm so sorry and pathetic how could anyone ever love, care or even simply like me. I don't even like myself, I'm a terribly screwed up person, why would anyone ever like me or want me.

So I'm trying to work on this. My self esteem and how I see myself. Yesterday I went cut, dyed and styled my hair, I got my nails done and I feel better. I feel like I look good. Next week I'm going to buy some new clothes and get my feet done. I'm goin to get a facial and maybe even start to excersise a little. Maybe I'll get to the point where I don't feel like I need him. My hugest delema is our son, he loves his dad so much, I mean like wow, he cries when he's out of town for a day on business. He's crazy about him. He's said before that if he's can't get custody he wouldn't want him at all, what's the point of being a part time dad if he can't have the influence he wants on him. I think that's a sorry excuse but maybe he's right, although I could never give him my son and then disappear I'd have to be involved in his life.

I guess I'll just wait and see what time tells me to do. How much I can put up with this. Eventually something has to give.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Another Day

Last night our son woke up sick, vomiting, so he didn't go to school today. The day was uneventful and rather boring. My husband has a serious problem with alcohol and I have one with food. I don't eat a lot all at one time, I usually eat about half of what a normal person would. My problem is I eat all day, I'm constantly eating something, some cheese, a cookie, later a hot dog, a couple minutes later some chips, a slice of toast, just always eating. I feel like I'm always trying to fufill a craving, yet it's never fufilled. I do notice that when I'm very busy or something else is taking up all my time I forget to eat.

About a month ago we had a live in nanny come stay with us for a week and it was great. The house was clean, I had someone to talk to and go to the store with, I loved it! My husband however messed it up by making advances toward our nanny and making her feel uncomfortable and she then said she just was not comfortable with us and wanted to leave. So we let her go.

Now some women will be in shock and say how can you still be with him but you have to first understand our relationship. I was in a long-term relationship in my late teens and it devistated me when I found out that the whole time I was being decieved. I was engaged to this man, I planned to marry him and have children with him. (We actually had a son together.) It hurt me so bad that he lied to me, I trusted him completely and he lied. I held on for years with hope we'd get back together again, but eventually I saw he was just using me and I decided to let go.

Now, I tell my husband I need to know everything. I don't believe men can be faithful, I believe they all cheat, sooner or later, somehow, somewhere, something happens with someone. Now, I also believe it's not all their fault, some of them our good men and don't look for it but some women just throw themselves at our men and with presistence they eventually give in. I know my husband loved his ex-wife but he cheated on her several times, and she did nothing about it just pretended like it didn't happen. I can't do that, I can't be blind, it would drive me crazy, I need to know, I'm not going to be the fool.

My rules are I always know and approved first, there is NO spending time with that someone, no phone calls, no relationship of any kind, it can be only once. No spending the night together, always safe sex and she must know about me. Now, if that woman understands all of the above and still wants to sleep with him knowing she aint nothing but a piece of *** well fine. But he comes home to me, no secrets. I know some women will think I'm insane but I don't worry when he's gone, I don't wonder where he is or who he's with. I trust him 100%. For us it works.

The most amazing thing is that you would think that he does this all the time, because he can.
But, I bet anything that men who keep secrets sleep with other women more than mine. In the four years we've been together he's done this twice. That's it! Now, he says he doesn't even want to, he says for the most part the desire to cheat is gone because there's not secret, nothing to hide, isn't that amazing! He tells me about his friends that cheat and some of them like every week with a new girl. I think to myself wow, and their girlfriends and wives don't have a clue, they think their men are being true to them. Mine is true to me because he doesn't lie to me. That is being true to me.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Feeling Lonely

This is my first post, don't really know what to expect, really just posting my thoughts. I'm feeling very lonely and I don't have any friends. I'm an only child and my parents live in Arizona, I'm in Georgia.

I met my hmmm I guess he's my boyfriend but we've been together for 4 years now and we have a 2 yr old son, so I feel married. I wear a weeding band and everyone thinks we're married, he calls me his wife and I call him my husband but legally we're not married. I would love to marry him but he doesn't want to get married, he says never again. I say maybe one day he'll change his mind and marry me.

I'm in my late 20's and he's in his mid 30's. I've never been married and he's been married twice. He says both times for the wrong reasons. He has a teenage daughter with an ex high school girlfriend that is a mess! He says he can't do anything anymore because she's too old and wont listen to him and if her mom doesn't inforce any rules it's just pointless. I agree.

I love him very much but sometimes things seem so difficult and at other times I'm so happy I'm scared. Why? Why am I affraid of being happy? When everything is going right and perfect and I feel so amazingly happy I get scared that I'm going to die, that something horrible is going to happen to me and I wont make it back home alive. Why? I want to be happy so why do I think like this? And then when I feel miserable and lonely and just so depressed I want to die, I want to go to a better place and just leave this earth. Now, I don't want to kill myself, I'm not that far gone, it's just sometimes I get so tired of trying and I keep wondering what for? What is all this for? Life, I don't understand it.